The schema therapy mode model describes:
Coping modes are understood to be survival strategies - developed to manage needs not being met in childhood. They served an important function back then, perhaps reducing the likelihood of physical abuse or preserving a relationship with a carer. Now, in adulthood, it’s important to recognise that the coping modes block needs from being met. Coping modes are primarily a behavioural state – a combination of behaviours, thoughts and feelings that show up together repeatedly.
There are three types of coping modes. I’ll explain them using the abandonment schema as an example.
The first type of coping mode surrenders when the schema is activated. For example, with the abandonment schema, someone might surrender to the schema by settling for a relationship that is unstable with someone who is unfaithful.
The second type of coping mode overcompensates for the schema. In this example, an overcompensatory response might be searching for a perfect partner who would never abandon them, or choosing and controlling a passive partner.
The final type of coping mode avoids activating the schema in the first place. Someone with an abandonment schema who tries to avoid schema activation might decide never to have a relationship.
In this blog I am focusing on the surrendering mode which is commonly called ‘Compliant Surrender”. When this mode is dominant, the individual dedicates themselves to meeting the needs of others either because they feel good when doing this or because they fear what the consequences might be if they don’t prioritise others. They suppress their needs and emotions as much as possible, especially anger. This mode acquiesces to others, meaning the individual is passive and subservient in relationships. They tolerate poor behaviour and have few or no boundaries to protect themselves. They may hope that they will gain approval and praise from others when meeting their needs.
The following case example is based on a client who kindly gave her consent for me to share the themes of our work. I have changed all identifying details to protect her confidentiality.
Case Example
Rebecca was the eldest of three children growing up during the aftermath of world war 2. The family had little money and her parents had several jobs to make ends meet. The children often came home from school to an empty home and there were high expectations from their parents that they would manage by themselves. Rebecca helped her mum to keep the house tidy, which she was rewarded for occasionally and she looked after her younger siblings when her parents were at work. She was naturally very nurturing and felt very protective of her littlest sibling especially. Rebecca’s mother didn’t talk of or express emotions other than occasional outbursts of anger. Rebecca felt that her mother was generally tightly coiled emotionally. Her father was warmer, but mostly absent at home.
In Rebecca’s early years she remembers a few significant memories that led her to believe that she should not express her feelings. In one memory she recalled hurting herself when climbing a tree. She didn’t tell her mum, but when her mum saw blood on her trousers she screamed at Rebecca, telling her off. Rebecca didn’t know how to make sense of this but knew not to tell her mum when she was hurt.
The children were very vulnerable, spending much time alone both outside and at home. Unfortunately, this lack of protection meant that Rebecca was assaulted on several occasions throughout her early and late childhood. Rebecca was worried about getting in trouble with her mum and so she didn’t tell anyone about the assaults.
In early adulthood, Rebecca was in a relationship with a very controlling and violent husband. She knew her husband’s behaviour was wrong, but she couldn’t stand up for herself or keep herself safe. She had children in this relationship who witnessed the abuse, but Rebecca didn’t know how to leave. Eventually, when her children had left home, Rebecca managed to leave her husband and move away from the area, but she became agoraphobic, too terrified to leave in case she was hurt by someone. Rebecca only had social contact with her adult children, one of whom was controlling of Rebecca.
Development of the “Doormat Mode”
Our understanding of how the compliant surrender mode (Rebecca named it her 'doormat mode') developed is this:
Emotional deprivation in the home, assaults and punishments for expressing feelings led to the beliefs: ‘my needs aren’t important and if I express my needs something bad will happen’.
Praise for meeting mum’s needs by looking after the house and her siblings led to the belief ‘I must prioritise other people’s needs to be accepted’.
Looking after her siblings offered a sense of emotional connection, which was better than nothing.
The relationship with her husband only served to reinforce and strengthen these beliefs. As an adult Rebecca could gain satisfaction from nurturing her children who she was dedicated to and protective in the best way she could be.
Once Rebecca left her husband an avoidant protector mode also dominated, but this appeared to be secondary - 'if I can't keep myself safe around people, then I will keep myself safe by avoiding people altogether.'
Overcoming the "Doormat Mode"
The therapeutic aims with schema coping modes are to increase awareness of the different modes, understand their origins and functions, and either reduce the use of the coping mode or grow greater flexibility in its use. We don’t just work with the coping modes though; first we focus on reducing the activation of the vulnerable child mode and the intensity of the critic modes, as the unmet needs of the vulnerable child activate the coping modes.
Here I describe the key experiential exercises we worked through to address Rebecca’s compliant surrender coping mode and to develop alternative healthy adult responses.
Imagery Rescripting
Imagery rescripting is the process of entering images of past experiences and rescripting using the therapist within the image to meet the needs of the little one. The purpose is not to re-live the trauma of the experience, but to experience needs being met to gain a different perspective of the event.
For Rebecca, it was important for her to experience nurturing and protection and for me to encourage her to express her thoughts and feelings within the imagery. Imagery rescripting helped Rebecca to shift her beliefs, learning that her needs were important and she deserved to feel safe. To achieve this I provided nurturing by showing interest and concern, validating her feelings, wrapping her up in a blanket when distressed and letting her know that she was important and special. Rebecca needed protection when being assaulted, as well as protection from the expectations placed on her by her parents to be grown up and look after her siblings when she was only little herself. We called in the police to images where she was being hurt and I challenged her parents when needed, sticking up for what little Rebecca needed. We rescripted about a number of images throughout her life, including memories when Rebecca was an adult.
Chair Work with the Compliant Surrender Mode
I’ll talk through the steps of the exercise before I share Rebecca’s experience.
Step One: client sits in the compliant surrender mode chair, with an empty chair behind them for the vulnerable child mode. Therapist sits opposite and interviews the mode:
How do you help the client?
When did you learn to help the client in this way?
What do you fear would happen if you weren’t here?
Do you know how your little one feels when you are here?
What do you need from the client’s healthy adult to be able to step aside?
Step Two: Client swaps to the vulnerable child chair and therapist moves their chair besides them to learn how they feel when the compliant surrender mode is dominant. It’s helpful to recall an example of when the mode was present.
Step Three: Bring client to the healthy adult chair to reflect on what they have heard and encourage them to negotiate or set some rules with the compliant surrender mode.
This was the most powerful chair work exercise we worked through together and the point at which Rebecca realised how unsafe she was with the compliant surrender mode in charge. This mode meant that her ‘little one’ was repeatedly being abused by others and felt so unsafe in the world that she had to avoid going out. Rebecca felt angry with this mode for being so passive and decided she was ready to learn how to protect herself so she could feel safe with others.
Developing the Healthy Adult Mode with Chair Work
Chair work is so versatile and we used various methods for practising new healthy adult ways of Rebecca looking after herself. At this point in our work, Rebecca only had relationships with her children and the main person Rebecca struggled to balance her needs with, was her son. I taught Rebecca how to be assertive using the language of non-violent communication: “I feel scared when you shout at me. I need you to talk to me calmly. If you can’t do that, I need you to leave my house.” To practise these skills we used an empty chair to represent her son and we worked through lots of examples, sometimes adding a chair for the compliant surrender mode as Rebecca slipped into passive or guilt induced ways of communicating. We frequently checked in with her little one about how safe they felt with her communication and Rebecca was able to learn tune into what she needed as time went on.
At the end of our 18 month piece of work Rebecca had started to develop a friendship with a man she met through one of her passions, the theatre. She was regularly attending performances again and she was able to maintain a balanced relationship with her son. She no longer had to avoid having contact with people because she felt confident to put in place the boundaries she needed to keep herself safe. Rebecca worked so hard and it was such a privilege to witness her growth. There were many other elements to our work, but these were the main interventions we focused on to increase awareness of and reduce the use of her 'doormat' mode.
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